i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
