I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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