You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
