at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
