we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
