I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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