angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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