Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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