I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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