Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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