May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You ruined the universe
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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