dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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