Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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