I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
