My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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