laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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