and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
