OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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