In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
