I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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