I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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