You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Success! We fucked roommates!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
