New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
