so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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