I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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