Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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