We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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