it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
