U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
