hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
