If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
