Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
