I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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