glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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