need another drink. this is the easiest way
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
