He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
