My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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