i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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