I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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