I could have mohawked her pubes.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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