Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize