My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
