So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
