Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
