Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
