did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
