my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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