Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
