The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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