and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
