Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
