why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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