is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I supernannyed him into submission
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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