it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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