seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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