I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
