The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I puked a lego.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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